Blargh just doesn't cut it...

All wrong wrong wrong....


WTF

Two days and counting...

I now have two days of progesteron cream under my belt... Or on my thigh. Ha! I'm supposed to start on day 11 through day 27. I don't know how much improvement I might have as it is still early. I'll know better by day 19.

Everything else continues as normal. Mary is back in Australia and while having someone in your house gets stressful I do miss having her here with all the help and someone to have chit chat with.

We've signed up for little gym through the summer, even though we are planning a trip to Scotland it shouldn't take up too much time and I wasn't going to miss out on a session.

I have a bridal shower all the way up in tomball and I'm not jazzed at all about going. I'm not really friends with the bride, her fiancé is friends with Jim. They both come to ours for bbqs and we've been to theirs for superbowl parties but we aren't friends and her friends are a group of much younger girls who I find very very rude.

The ring leader especially... She and all of them talk horribly about each other behind their backs. Saying horrible stuff like so & SOS fiancé is really gay, that ones boyfriend cheated with a hooker, she is crazy boring because she doesn't like to hit the clubs etc... I've been told all of this behind others backs and I'm just left standing there thinking, "and I'm the one everyone dislikes?! Shit, what do they about me then if these are their friends?"

So, yippee I have to be way the heck up north at 10am to hang with a bunch of harpies. I hope there are mimosas and thank God I'm not preggers and can enjoy it.

Some answers...

So after what seemed like forever from my first visit to the doctor with my various problems the results from my syliva test came back and it's like the doctor thought. Well actually maybe a bit worse.

My hormone levels are really really off. I have very very low progesterone and crazy high estrogen. Basically if you pull up any online list of symptoms for low progesterone/estrogen dominance a massive percentage of the symptoms apply to me and what I've been going through. The doctor figures vie always been slightly off and then having Sam instead of correcting my body made it worse. So the insomnia, the hair, the insane periods, the crying, depression... All of it are related to this problem. Doesn't help that I don't have anyone to talk to about any of this.

Oh well.

I've been given these crazy omega 3vitamins and top notch vitamin d to take, progesterone cream and I'm supposed to eat certain foods to lower my estrogen. Fun times. Please god let this work I'm tired of being so miserable all the time.

I think...

I'm starting to think I need professional help... But don't know where to go and JP wouldn't allow it.


So I guess I'm screwed

Some days

JP can be pretty hard on me about not "being happy."

How can I be happy like wants when every day I'm told & reminded how people dislike me because of my personality and whatever else I've ever done wrong.

I just want to scream and crawl in a hole some where. If I didn't have Sam I don't know...

For me...

I need to remember that while I'm trying to make everyone else happy that it's okay to make myself happy ( cause no one else will!)

I should be taking a quick shower while the munchkin is taking his morning nap, but I can't get motivated off the sofa. A week of not sleeping will do that... Oh yes one of the many things that have gone sideways since having the Samster. A list of things going wrong in my body and brain...

Hair has gone wavy... It was never dead straight but it's wavy and all crazy now
Right knee is killing me, this went away while pregnant and returned with some angry friends
Morton's neuroma returned in the left foot
Heavy heavy HEAVY monthlies with lots of emotional issues the week before (fun times)
Skin is crazy sensitive to the point where my own tears irritate the area around my eyes.
And now not sleeping, I've had entire nights where I haven't slept a wink.... And I'm going on a week of only 4 hours a night.


Super happy fun times.

All of that combined with constant stress over relationships and I'm crazy worn out.... But can't say anything to anyone because no one wants to a hear it so I figured my blog was dead long enough that no one would see if I started it up again. I need an outlet.


Sam is doing just fine, thank God. I'm always worried and stressed out about him because of all the issues we've had. I don't know how common our issues aree because people dont talk honestly about motherhood because I think most people feel a need to put on a front of false perfection. I should qualify that as people I know... Which aren't many I admit, I'm too difficult evidently for female friendship.

I have enrolled Sam in Little Gym which is 100% for his benefit and development. I have no illusions that I'll make any friends there which I know I shouldn't think that way but with everything that's happened it's how my brain is now wired. I go in assuming people dislike me and I'm not willing to go through a that pain and disappointment again. Sam likes the crawling around and some of the activities and isn't phased by the few walkers who push the other babies out of the way. He just brushes their hands off and keeps doing what he was doing. It makes me laugh to see him in action.

Well, I really better shower. I am expected at lunch today so I better get in gear.