JP can be pretty hard on me about not "being happy."
How can I be happy like wants when every day I'm told & reminded how people dislike me because of my personality and whatever else I've ever done wrong.
I just want to scream and crawl in a hole some where. If I didn't have Sam I don't know...
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Saturday, February 5, 2011
For me...
I need to remember that while I'm trying to make everyone else happy that it's okay to make myself happy ( cause no one else will!)
I should be taking a quick shower while the munchkin is taking his morning nap, but I can't get motivated off the sofa. A week of not sleeping will do that... Oh yes one of the many things that have gone sideways since having the Samster. A list of things going wrong in my body and brain...
Hair has gone wavy... It was never dead straight but it's wavy and all crazy now
Right knee is killing me, this went away while pregnant and returned with some angry friends
Morton's neuroma returned in the left foot
Heavy heavy HEAVY monthlies with lots of emotional issues the week before (fun times)
Skin is crazy sensitive to the point where my own tears irritate the area around my eyes.
And now not sleeping, I've had entire nights where I haven't slept a wink.... And I'm going on a week of only 4 hours a night.
Super happy fun times.
All of that combined with constant stress over relationships and I'm crazy worn out.... But can't say anything to anyone because no one wants to a hear it so I figured my blog was dead long enough that no one would see if I started it up again. I need an outlet.
Sam is doing just fine, thank God. I'm always worried and stressed out about him because of all the issues we've had. I don't know how common our issues aree because people dont talk honestly about motherhood because I think most people feel a need to put on a front of false perfection. I should qualify that as people I know... Which aren't many I admit, I'm too difficult evidently for female friendship.
I have enrolled Sam in Little Gym which is 100% for his benefit and development. I have no illusions that I'll make any friends there which I know I shouldn't think that way but with everything that's happened it's how my brain is now wired. I go in assuming people dislike me and I'm not willing to go through a that pain and disappointment again. Sam likes the crawling around and some of the activities and isn't phased by the few walkers who push the other babies out of the way. He just brushes their hands off and keeps doing what he was doing. It makes me laugh to see him in action.
Well, I really better shower. I am expected at lunch today so I better get in gear.
I should be taking a quick shower while the munchkin is taking his morning nap, but I can't get motivated off the sofa. A week of not sleeping will do that... Oh yes one of the many things that have gone sideways since having the Samster. A list of things going wrong in my body and brain...
Hair has gone wavy... It was never dead straight but it's wavy and all crazy now
Right knee is killing me, this went away while pregnant and returned with some angry friends
Morton's neuroma returned in the left foot
Heavy heavy HEAVY monthlies with lots of emotional issues the week before (fun times)
Skin is crazy sensitive to the point where my own tears irritate the area around my eyes.
And now not sleeping, I've had entire nights where I haven't slept a wink.... And I'm going on a week of only 4 hours a night.
Super happy fun times.
All of that combined with constant stress over relationships and I'm crazy worn out.... But can't say anything to anyone because no one wants to a hear it so I figured my blog was dead long enough that no one would see if I started it up again. I need an outlet.
Sam is doing just fine, thank God. I'm always worried and stressed out about him because of all the issues we've had. I don't know how common our issues aree because people dont talk honestly about motherhood because I think most people feel a need to put on a front of false perfection. I should qualify that as people I know... Which aren't many I admit, I'm too difficult evidently for female friendship.
I have enrolled Sam in Little Gym which is 100% for his benefit and development. I have no illusions that I'll make any friends there which I know I shouldn't think that way but with everything that's happened it's how my brain is now wired. I go in assuming people dislike me and I'm not willing to go through a that pain and disappointment again. Sam likes the crawling around and some of the activities and isn't phased by the few walkers who push the other babies out of the way. He just brushes their hands off and keeps doing what he was doing. It makes me laugh to see him in action.
Well, I really better shower. I am expected at lunch today so I better get in gear.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Bye bye Blogger...
When you realize you're the common denominator in a problem
it's time to remove yourself from the equation.
Bye bye Blogger
it's time to remove yourself from the equation.
Bye bye Blogger
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
FB is tha debil!!!
Heh... probably one of the best previews ever simply because of the music & the unsaid side of why people are on FB to begin with. Plus as my friend Olga said, it shows how haunting and beautiful Thom Yorks lyrics are and how they hold up. I believe it's a cover by PS22 a public school in NY who cover current songs frequently in their schools choir and make them just beautiful.
I say FB is bugging me because recently it's become like the high school caf all over again. Maybe it's because I'm not at an office job anymore that this bugs me more and doesn't roll off as easily.
It never gets easier when you find out you weren't invited/included in something no matter how stupid the thing is.
Someone is waking from a nap and doesn't sound to happy about it.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Seems like everyone is gone...
There have been good days and bad days... and good hours and bad hours.
On the good side. Slowly, Lil' P's torticollis continues to improve but he dislikes everything he has to do to make it better. Plus, that little guy doesn't seem to like much of anything except being flat on his back and on the flatter side of his head! Excersauser, not much. Jumper... I will NOT JUMP in this! I will chew on it. Swing... NEVER! Tummy time... I will chunk up everything I've ever eaten until you PICK ME UP (or give up rolling me back). Yep he's very decided.
Bad side, my wrists and elbows are killing me. I thought it was just carpal tunnel acting up again but evidently it's the back of the hand not the inside of the wrist where the problem is. It's the tendon that's back there that's like around the thumb or something like that... anyway it's all kinds of unhappy and I can't find my splits from when the carpal tunnel got really bad a few years back. On the bright side the palative care is the same so splints at night and tylenol when it gets bad and it should lessen. Surgery is not what I'm looking for so hopefully I can hold that off again.
So yeah... I've been kicking around the idea of joining a "mommy" group but having a hard time navagaiting all of it. The groups out here all seem very... I dunno... like one of them they have to interview you... and that just seems odd. I'm not good with people so that one is right out I would never pass the interview and I really don't want to join one that seems to want to be exclusive. So yeah... that's all on hold which doesn't help the loneliness that sets in. I've looked for a MOPS group and there are a bunch of those and they seem to be based on which neighborhood you're in and most seem to meet in local churches but a good number have member limits... so maybe it's best to just wait for school to start and see if the ranks thin out as people get busy.
We leave for California in a few weeks. I've asked JP if I can get a massage at the hotel in Monterey since it has a spa. Need to book that this week to make sure I get what I want. Too often at those places all the massage time gets booked and all you can get is a facial or mani/pedi.
Still worried about traveling. Not so much about Lil' P... he's gonna do what he's gonna do I can just be prepared with food, toys, clothing, etc... it's the other people on the plane that you don't know what they'll do that worries me. Not that it should... that same personality type that's gonna be rude or down right nasty because you have a kid is gonna be an inflammed a-hole no matter what because that's just how they are. It's just seems like society as a whole has no idea of proportion, no patience for anyone else, and this very wierd idea that NOTHING EVERY CAN INFRINGE ON THEM or you're disrespecting them or some how ruining their trip/day/life. Oh yes, we've had people move tables at freakin' SALT GRASS because Sam was babbeling on and being passed back and forth between me and JP. Hey, I'm all for people choosing to be child-free and that's great if that's how you want to live your life but don't go into a place like Salt Grass (or a public plane, a mall etc) and except no kids and if there are kids that they are gonna be silent. If I was at a posh steak house like Brennar's or a high end boutique well then yes I'm at fault for taking a baby there but public none posh places you'll have to deal. At the same time... you have to try and sooth your kid or teach them (when they're older) how to act in public. One lady made her daughter apologize for cutting infront of me at Gymboree the other week... kid was 3 and it was sweet because she really meant it and the mom made a point of manners being important.
HEY! That could be the next thing airlines charge for... baby-free flights HA!
On the good side. Slowly, Lil' P's torticollis continues to improve but he dislikes everything he has to do to make it better. Plus, that little guy doesn't seem to like much of anything except being flat on his back and on the flatter side of his head! Excersauser, not much. Jumper... I will NOT JUMP in this! I will chew on it. Swing... NEVER! Tummy time... I will chunk up everything I've ever eaten until you PICK ME UP (or give up rolling me back). Yep he's very decided.
Bad side, my wrists and elbows are killing me. I thought it was just carpal tunnel acting up again but evidently it's the back of the hand not the inside of the wrist where the problem is. It's the tendon that's back there that's like around the thumb or something like that... anyway it's all kinds of unhappy and I can't find my splits from when the carpal tunnel got really bad a few years back. On the bright side the palative care is the same so splints at night and tylenol when it gets bad and it should lessen. Surgery is not what I'm looking for so hopefully I can hold that off again.
So yeah... I've been kicking around the idea of joining a "mommy" group but having a hard time navagaiting all of it. The groups out here all seem very... I dunno... like one of them they have to interview you... and that just seems odd. I'm not good with people so that one is right out I would never pass the interview and I really don't want to join one that seems to want to be exclusive. So yeah... that's all on hold which doesn't help the loneliness that sets in. I've looked for a MOPS group and there are a bunch of those and they seem to be based on which neighborhood you're in and most seem to meet in local churches but a good number have member limits... so maybe it's best to just wait for school to start and see if the ranks thin out as people get busy.
We leave for California in a few weeks. I've asked JP if I can get a massage at the hotel in Monterey since it has a spa. Need to book that this week to make sure I get what I want. Too often at those places all the massage time gets booked and all you can get is a facial or mani/pedi.
Still worried about traveling. Not so much about Lil' P... he's gonna do what he's gonna do I can just be prepared with food, toys, clothing, etc... it's the other people on the plane that you don't know what they'll do that worries me. Not that it should... that same personality type that's gonna be rude or down right nasty because you have a kid is gonna be an inflammed a-hole no matter what because that's just how they are. It's just seems like society as a whole has no idea of proportion, no patience for anyone else, and this very wierd idea that NOTHING EVERY CAN INFRINGE ON THEM or you're disrespecting them or some how ruining their trip/day/life. Oh yes, we've had people move tables at freakin' SALT GRASS because Sam was babbeling on and being passed back and forth between me and JP. Hey, I'm all for people choosing to be child-free and that's great if that's how you want to live your life but don't go into a place like Salt Grass (or a public plane, a mall etc) and except no kids and if there are kids that they are gonna be silent. If I was at a posh steak house like Brennar's or a high end boutique well then yes I'm at fault for taking a baby there but public none posh places you'll have to deal. At the same time... you have to try and sooth your kid or teach them (when they're older) how to act in public. One lady made her daughter apologize for cutting infront of me at Gymboree the other week... kid was 3 and it was sweet because she really meant it and the mom made a point of manners being important.
HEY! That could be the next thing airlines charge for... baby-free flights HA!
Monday, July 19, 2010
Not looking forward to it...
Today Sam has his four month doctor's appointment.
Not only will he be getting shots, but I'm assuming the doc will evaluate his little head regarding the flattening and a possible corrective helmet. I feel like such a failure that all of this is happening to Sam. He's such a good baby he doesn't need this put on him and I can't help but think I should have known this was coming and prevented it some how.
I haven't been up to much since everyone left. Just the usual daily routine with Sam and then the smattering of things with JP's friends.
We are planning a trip to California because we are insane. I like the line from Modern Family, "Honey, I'm a Mom. This isn't a vacation it's a business trip."
Sam will be just over 5 months when we go so I have a list of questions for the doc about what he thinks is best for food, sun protection etc. I'm already taking his electric bottle sterilizer since I have to take a two week case anyway. It's more about the water issue. Bottled baby water vs buying a hot pot to boil water or a camping sterilizer.
So that's about it. Aside from working with Sam on his neck muscle and trying to teach him that day time naps are great it's all pretty quiet here.
Not only will he be getting shots, but I'm assuming the doc will evaluate his little head regarding the flattening and a possible corrective helmet. I feel like such a failure that all of this is happening to Sam. He's such a good baby he doesn't need this put on him and I can't help but think I should have known this was coming and prevented it some how.
I haven't been up to much since everyone left. Just the usual daily routine with Sam and then the smattering of things with JP's friends.
We are planning a trip to California because we are insane. I like the line from Modern Family, "Honey, I'm a Mom. This isn't a vacation it's a business trip."
Sam will be just over 5 months when we go so I have a list of questions for the doc about what he thinks is best for food, sun protection etc. I'm already taking his electric bottle sterilizer since I have to take a two week case anyway. It's more about the water issue. Bottled baby water vs buying a hot pot to boil water or a camping sterilizer.
So that's about it. Aside from working with Sam on his neck muscle and trying to teach him that day time naps are great it's all pretty quiet here.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Returning to whatever normal is these days...
Lil' P's entourage has returned to just 2, me and JP. Finally.
We've had seven weeks nearly straight of visitors. Broken up by a couple of days inbetween the three groupings.
First was my sister and mother in law. I will only say that passive aggressive runs DEEP in the British culture whichever country within that Empire you come from. Give me American bluntness any day of the week thank you very much.
I chalk it up to an older generation, culture and the usual a girl will never measure up to what a mother thinks her son deserves. I hope I don't turn out like that when Lil P is all grown up. I just couldn't catch a break. It was a bit more in check when my sister in law was around and that's about it.
The guys came next and that was the usual where in everyone else has a blast and I end up stuck doing their laundry. Even after saying I flat out wouldn't do it, that I was more than happy to show people how to use the machine.
Then mother in law returned again to stay on her own. With no buffer at all and JP taking zero days of vacation. So the jabs got worse where in by the end she was making comments about what I eat. There was a great deal of biting of my tongue but it was close a few times.
But I also know where JP gets the attitude of drop everything and take care of what I need regardless of what you may be smack in the middle of.
*sigh*
I don't think my MIL dislikes me, I just think I'm not really considered family to her and will always be treated at arms length.
She left yesterday just before the weather started to turn with that tropical storm growing stronger in the gulf. I felt bad as she was a bit panicked by the weather and I tried to reassure her the storm is/was waaay far out but like JP she doesn't listen and just fretted all morning long.
Acutually as I type this she should be nearing her destination as she should have left LA just about 12hrs ago or a bit more. She'll be happy to be home and get back to a routine.
Today hasn't gone as planned because Lil P woke up crazy early at 5am. After two weeks of sleeping 12hours. We are thinking he needs his bottle upped a tad and he took the increase today no problemo. Here's hoping he sleeps better tonight.
Tomorrow the therapist comes for his torticollis. Because of certain visitors I haven't been able to work with Lil P the way I really wanted to. I'm afraid that really means a corrective helmet is coming. I was hoping to avoid it, but the flattening hasn't improved if anything it's worse because I couldn't be as aggressive with his tummy time as I wanted to be. I always had a certain someone looming over my shoulder telling me he's to tired, doesn't like it, or I'll take him. Grrr! The best I had were those 10 days in the middle... not good.
The thought of the helmet just makes me burst into tears because I feel like I failed Lil P some how. I'm just heart broken over it.
We've had seven weeks nearly straight of visitors. Broken up by a couple of days inbetween the three groupings.
First was my sister and mother in law. I will only say that passive aggressive runs DEEP in the British culture whichever country within that Empire you come from. Give me American bluntness any day of the week thank you very much.
I chalk it up to an older generation, culture and the usual a girl will never measure up to what a mother thinks her son deserves. I hope I don't turn out like that when Lil P is all grown up. I just couldn't catch a break. It was a bit more in check when my sister in law was around and that's about it.
The guys came next and that was the usual where in everyone else has a blast and I end up stuck doing their laundry. Even after saying I flat out wouldn't do it, that I was more than happy to show people how to use the machine.
Then mother in law returned again to stay on her own. With no buffer at all and JP taking zero days of vacation. So the jabs got worse where in by the end she was making comments about what I eat. There was a great deal of biting of my tongue but it was close a few times.
But I also know where JP gets the attitude of drop everything and take care of what I need regardless of what you may be smack in the middle of.
*sigh*
I don't think my MIL dislikes me, I just think I'm not really considered family to her and will always be treated at arms length.
She left yesterday just before the weather started to turn with that tropical storm growing stronger in the gulf. I felt bad as she was a bit panicked by the weather and I tried to reassure her the storm is/was waaay far out but like JP she doesn't listen and just fretted all morning long.
Acutually as I type this she should be nearing her destination as she should have left LA just about 12hrs ago or a bit more. She'll be happy to be home and get back to a routine.
Today hasn't gone as planned because Lil P woke up crazy early at 5am. After two weeks of sleeping 12hours. We are thinking he needs his bottle upped a tad and he took the increase today no problemo. Here's hoping he sleeps better tonight.
Tomorrow the therapist comes for his torticollis. Because of certain visitors I haven't been able to work with Lil P the way I really wanted to. I'm afraid that really means a corrective helmet is coming. I was hoping to avoid it, but the flattening hasn't improved if anything it's worse because I couldn't be as aggressive with his tummy time as I wanted to be. I always had a certain someone looming over my shoulder telling me he's to tired, doesn't like it, or I'll take him. Grrr! The best I had were those 10 days in the middle... not good.
The thought of the helmet just makes me burst into tears because I feel like I failed Lil P some how. I'm just heart broken over it.
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