What do you say...

A much younger friend miscarried yesterday. She's only 25 and I think the couple got over excited and as soon as she did the at home test they started telling people. JP was worried about that since it was barely 6 weeks...

At this point I don't know if I should say something to her or not. We don't hang out, or really talk just our husbands are friends.

Plus, she knows we're pregnant and I might be one of the last people she wants to hear from. It would be different if it was like an infertility issue as I've had people ask me about it since I've been pretty open about what I went through.

And I know how it's helped me recently with people sharing with me...

I just haven't had this particular issue...

Maybe I'll send her an email via FB, that's private and unobtrusive. I'll ask JP what he thinks.

She's young and probably will be put on prenatals by her doctor, and everything will be fine I know. It's just gonna be rough on her in the coming weeks..

Oh it was no big deal was is?!

Boys can say the dumbest things without even thinking.

Yesterday was the much worried about Amnio. I had to speak with the councilor before hand, and no it wasn't the one who left the horrible message on my voicemail, so they had enough snap to put me with someone else. Basically she went over what I already knew... strange what you remember from high school biology suddenly. Then she went over the procedure and since I said flat out no termination we didn't go there.

I've seen my baby every week since I went through a fertility clinic... how could I if baby wasn't going to be suffering in pain or some other really horrific issue.

JP was with me the whole time, being SUCH a guy. If I got chocked up he'd talk to me like a kid telling me to calm down. I don't pretend to know how guys operate, they just compartmentalize everything... it's weird but it's how they're wired.

They did a full ultra sound, even though I'll have to go back anyway for the 20th week scan... but I guess since you're there might as well then they can charge you. They were able to see everything since the baby was stretched out horizontally facing outward. Just couldn't see the spine clearly since he was positioned that way. We did see 10 fingers & toes, 4 chambers in the heart, etc. And at one point the baby waved and then seemed to flash the Westside gang signal. Hilarious.

No soft signs were seen to elevate our risk either.

Amnio, was not fun. During the 2 minute procedure I would say it totally ranked up there with the x-ray of my uterus back in April. Difference being once the needle and other stuff was out the pain faded to discomfort and then gone much quicker.

I'm just 3 hours shy of the 24 hour mark and so far nothing. No spotting or other signs of problems. Just the next few days making sure I don't develop an infection, so flu like symptoms are to be watched for.

JP did confess this morning that he is worried. He said that he can't help but feel something like this would happen to his baby because as he put it, "Things don't work out for me." I was a bit shocked because that boy has lived a charmed life as far as I can tell. But maybe he's coming from a smilar place as me. I know he's been treated shabby by previous girlfriends and who know what ugly things one of them might have said to him. Been there.

So today is my Friday off and I am still in jammies. JP hasn't recovered from jetlag and was up and making a crazy loud noise by 4 am. I did nap on the sofa for a while, but just taking it easy today. Good thing I had so many shows recorded as day time tv is horrible after the Today show. Seriously, ugh.

Before he left this morning, JP did say, "At least the amnio was no big deal..."

Oh really? I don't remember a needle being plunged into the tender bottom half of your belly, into your innards... was I wrong about that? I'm so glad it was no big deal for you sitting in that chair by the table.

I informed him, that's the sort of comment that will come back to haunt him at EVERY family gathering for the rest of his life. I'll be in my 80s... "that silly man said it was no big deal!?"

Rain is a'comin'...

Just in time to mess up the drive home too. Fun.

In the last week I've gotten so many messages and emails letting me know that people have "been there" and assuranceses that everything is gonna be alright... I just wanted to say a blanket Thank You... Thank you for your prayers, thank you for your advise, thank you for sharing your own stories. It has helped more than you can imagine.

As I've mentioned before I that I have this thing about my own happiness. And really I have no reason to think this way as truly I have lead a blessed and uncomplicated life... but when it comes to certain things, mostly the stuff I really yearned for (partner in life, my own family etc) I have a hard time accepting that not only would they'd happen for me, but that they aren't going to be taken away instantly or that some how I don't deserve them, or that I'm not supposed to have them.

Like I said, I don't know why. I've never experienced any profound loss... yeah the usual ups and downs in a family but no huge tragedy, nor any other event that would make sense... so yeah. Wierd I know, but yeah

Job or money issues, I don't sweat 'cause it'll work out... always has for me. But personal... I'll collapse like a house of cards over the mere fantasical thought... no good. But maybe all of this is a crash course to sucking it up and moving forward no matter what is thrown at you.

So JP should be arriving in LA in the next hour or so. the worst part of his trip over, 18 hours from Sinapore via Tokyo. Yeah they put him on the route that would save the company $3k... jerks. Unless the weather takes a really bad turn he should be back in Houston by 10 tonight. I'll be asleep when he makes it to the house, but if he can wake me up I won't mind very much today.

Oh and when I said I'm not sure about JP in the room with me tomorrow, it's because he's more of a ninny about needles and medical stuff than I am. Seriously, the THOUGHT of a tongue depressor is enough to turn him green. I was amazed he could give me that final shot in the butt. He probably thought of the cost of all those drugs and being Scottish wasn't about to waste it.

Heading home shortly, gonna be a long drive as it's getting dark out my way.

and then...

Oy Vey! I'm tired and cranky and not wanting to try and recalculate a property at all. Ugh...

It took me forever just to write a letter this morning. Problems staying focused.

So I'm catching up on my recorded shows. Lost a few episodes so I went online to watch them. I have one more episode of Supernatural to watch and then all I have left is Dexter and Sons of Anarchy.

I also finished Season 5 of Lost and all I can say is whoa... It doesn't help that Jacob is played by the same guy who is the current skin suit for Lucifer on Supernatural. Extra creep factor there.

Book wise I finished two while on vacation: The Prodigal Summer and Bound. Recommend them both and I liked Bound much more than The Widow's War probably because it didn't wander in the middle of the book.

Still trying to remain positive and upbeat about Thursday. It helps that JP is coming home late Wednesday night. I don't know about him taking me but he insists on it. I'll probably just leave him in the waiting room.

So Friday I'm off from working and supposed to take it extra easy. Luckily it's my Friday off and JP will have to work anyway so there is nothing I have to do or cancel so aside from the few people I've told no one needs to know what's going on.

I seem to have difficulty accepting something good happening without something bad happening as some sort of payment. My first thought when it comes to me and my life is to go to the negative. I don't know why I do that, and I don't know how to teach myself not too either.

Ah well... continual prayers for the baby.

Here we go again...

Productive weekend, while I was awake that is. I slept a crazy amount of time. I'm guess that was the last of getting over jetlag.

Finally got my closet a bit organized. I dumped my regular clothes into one of the other bedroom closests so now in theory all I have hanging is stuff that fits currently. I'll move stuff out as it stops working for me.

Met up with Olga for dinner on Saturday and we had a good chat. She's got some family issues going on right now and any minute she could be off to Laredo.

Got a text from JP and it looks like he might be back on Wednesday. Best anniversary present if he actually can.

Right now work wise, I just have a bunch of really messy issues. Nothing straight forward. Fun. So happy to be back. I was hoping my trip away would renew my enthusiasim for work, but so far that ain't happening. Ugh.

And I forgot my badge today. Great. I had stuff to do at lunch but unless someone can loan me theirs that ain't happening now. *sigh* it was one of those mornings.

"Only the Japanese could design a thermal mug this cool!"

That was JP's comment this morning regarding a present he picked up for me. A ridiculously priced thermal mug that will blow me away with it's awesomeness. HA!

He called this morning and it seems like he won't know until next week when exactly he'll be home. He's hoping he'll be home at the end of the week by the latest and says if he's home in time he wants to take me for the test regardless of what work might schedule for him.

For his sake I hope he's home by Friday so he can get some rest.

The U2 concert was supposed to be his anniversary present but btwn travel and other stress inducers that didn't happen. So now I have to scramble for something. Can't be anything to posh since I'm out the money for the tickets (bought them months and months ago.) I am at a loss... and now how can it compare with the thermal mug of awesomeness.

I'll check Target for any new DVDs he might like and there is always the iTunes card which he loves. I see a trip out to Katy Mills as well tomorrow. Gotta do stuff out of the house as I'm on my own this weekend. Mom & Dad are off to another wedding in San Antonio and Olga is dealing with a family crisis of her own. Theresa is doing the Quilt Show and no thank you on that... so yeah I'm on my tod and JP would say and without a clue of what to do.

Hrm....

Emotional dumping...

For the past few months I've been censoring myself and today that stops. I need a place to vent my frustration and fears and my blog is the best place to do it. I've always used my LJ for that and for awhile this blog, but I stopped and I need it back.

So, those few friends who stop here, I'm warning you now for the next several months this site will be filled with hormonally induced rants and general crazy verbal expulsion of anxiety because I need it. So if you want to check back in April, I'll understand.

I'm pregnant. 3 1/2 months or so at this point. Due on April 2nd.

Some people know, but I'm not one for loud proclemations so not EVERYONE knows.

So yeah, the one round of IUI was successful and evidently that's pretty rare. Works for me 'cause that medication was not cheap, but the procedure thanks to our insurance was nearly fully covered as we owed less than $200. So I guess it balanced out that way.

The scary time started just before I left for Australia, but I didn't realize it was a scary time until I landed in Brisbane with a voicemail on my phone.

See, I'm 33 and to cover her butt from any lawsuit (please I have no illusion that doctor's really care all that much, except maybe your GP who sees you more often) the ob/gyn sent me for a Nuchal Fold examination and blood work. I didn't know what the blood work was for at the time, but I had heard of the nuchal because of Jodi Picoults last book.

It's the measurement to supposedly identify Down's Syndrome.

The blood work, it turns out was also to pick up some kind of signifiers for Down's as well.

I land in Brisbane a full week after the exam, my Nuchal measurement is 2.4 and at the time a doctor came in (I was at the women's genetic clinic at UT medical) and told me everything was just fine with that measurement, perfectly in the range. So I went home confident that at least that was one hurdle down for my baby.

Oh no, I've had a crash course in the last few weeks that those tests don't mean squat.

See, the message I got was from a woman who identified herself as a Genetic Councilor with UT and that there were some results from my blood work that we needed to discuss. She left the message about 4pm Thursday Houston time so I got it Friday morning when I made to to my sister in laws house well after the office had shut for the day.

Now, getting a message from someone with that title is gonna scare the crap out of you, I don't care who you are. And the corker... the bitch who left the message doesn't work on Fridays and no one else there will talk to you.

Long story short I spend the next day trying to get a hold of someone who can tell me what's going on which isn't easy given the time difference. Even longer story short, my blood work came up with a weird result meaning that according to the blood my baby as a 1 in 50 chance of having Down's. Or roughly a 2% chance (if only they'd word it THAT WAY!)

According to the ob/gyn the only way to know is an amnio, both these other tests don't mean anything. You can test fine on both and still have a baby with Down's or test badly and everything be fine. So my question is, WHY THE FRAK DO IT THEN?! How about instead ask the person Hey if you have a kid with Down's would you choose to terminate? and then do the fraking testing.

I'm not willing to abort a baby for Down's. While I'm praying my baby is genetically fine, I know that Down's doesn't mean a kid can't lead a full life. Yes, they have bigger medical issues like respiratory issues, and heart problems... but they can go on to hold jobs and be semi idependent people depending on their individual ability. I've know Down's kids (more so when I was in school) and they were some of the sweets kids you'd ever know. And plently of genetically "normal" babies have gone on to have horrible medical issues like cancer so being non-Down's doesn't mean a healthy kid either.

But, at the same time the bell has been rung and I need to know. That means an amnio. I've been told that since I'm thin that my risk with an amnio is very low 1 in 270 or .37% risk of miscarriage.

There has been some issues arranging the amnio as the medical office staff at the ob/gyn and at the genetic place seem to have their heads wedges far far up their asses, not unlike what you find at the pharmacy... Ever want to feel like less than a number on a page, deal with a specialists office for real.

I was originally supposed to have the amnio today, but because of their lack of snap I have to now wait until next week. Again, they don't care they aren't dealing with this. One day they will be a patient be it for a baby or a cancer test or whatever and THEN they will know what they've dished out to others. LIke that movie The Doctor. I know it's not personal against me, they just aren't very good at being orgainzed and instead of saying sorry we messed up, but let's get this organized now I was made to feel like this was my fault that I should have know.

I'm gonna end up like Elaine on Seinfeld and black balled from all medical offices... I wasn't rude or cussing but I told them what I thought. I told them, "look I'm not angry at you, and I'm not blaming you. I know I'm just a number on a page and that you don't care, I get that. But I've been going crazy for 2 and a half weeks and now you're telling me I have to wait another week. This is MY LIFE you're messing with here. MY.LIFE. Please can we all be on the same page from here on out because I can't take this anymore."

I expect lousy service when I walk in a McDonald's or any other store. Stupidly I expect more with dealing with "medical professionals." I guess it's harder to find decent medical help outside of your GP than I thought. Specialists can SUCK IT.

Like you don't wallow and beat yourself up enough with stupid questions like, Am I being punished? Did I do something wrong? Could I have prevented this? when the answer is no of course not. Get real, this is the reality of how people reproduce, splitting cells are messy messy things.

So yeah, I'm a bit wound up but I don't think without cause. And it doesn't help that even little things like oh getting dressed are getting to be more of a pain as from day to day my regular clothes stop fitting but maternity is still to big. I did go up a pant size, but that's now down to just two pair of pants that work and a bunch of capri pants that I'm not supposed to wear to work.

I thought buying pants was annoying before this thanks to my non-industry liked body shape. Seriously the only pants that have EVER fit well at the blakley "curvy" fit pants from Eddie Bauer...oh if only they did maternity. Plus maternity tops are WAY to big but my new found boobs don't fit in regular tops anymore. Fun.

Speaking of newly developed boobage... I don't like guys staring at them. I never really had that before because as an A cup seriously if they were looking it was to see if I had anything. But I had to laugh when JP asked, "Can we keep 'em?!" Oy vey! But yeah, I'm not liking how any tops fit when you have boobs. Don't like 'em not one little bit and hope I go back to normal quickly afterwards.


So get ready blog, it's gonna be a bumpy ride as I'm sure the ob has plenty of other ways to scare the crap out of me... if I don't kick her scrappy ass first.