Emotional dumping...

For the past few months I've been censoring myself and today that stops. I need a place to vent my frustration and fears and my blog is the best place to do it. I've always used my LJ for that and for awhile this blog, but I stopped and I need it back.

So, those few friends who stop here, I'm warning you now for the next several months this site will be filled with hormonally induced rants and general crazy verbal expulsion of anxiety because I need it. So if you want to check back in April, I'll understand.

I'm pregnant. 3 1/2 months or so at this point. Due on April 2nd.

Some people know, but I'm not one for loud proclemations so not EVERYONE knows.

So yeah, the one round of IUI was successful and evidently that's pretty rare. Works for me 'cause that medication was not cheap, but the procedure thanks to our insurance was nearly fully covered as we owed less than $200. So I guess it balanced out that way.

The scary time started just before I left for Australia, but I didn't realize it was a scary time until I landed in Brisbane with a voicemail on my phone.

See, I'm 33 and to cover her butt from any lawsuit (please I have no illusion that doctor's really care all that much, except maybe your GP who sees you more often) the ob/gyn sent me for a Nuchal Fold examination and blood work. I didn't know what the blood work was for at the time, but I had heard of the nuchal because of Jodi Picoults last book.

It's the measurement to supposedly identify Down's Syndrome.

The blood work, it turns out was also to pick up some kind of signifiers for Down's as well.

I land in Brisbane a full week after the exam, my Nuchal measurement is 2.4 and at the time a doctor came in (I was at the women's genetic clinic at UT medical) and told me everything was just fine with that measurement, perfectly in the range. So I went home confident that at least that was one hurdle down for my baby.

Oh no, I've had a crash course in the last few weeks that those tests don't mean squat.

See, the message I got was from a woman who identified herself as a Genetic Councilor with UT and that there were some results from my blood work that we needed to discuss. She left the message about 4pm Thursday Houston time so I got it Friday morning when I made to to my sister in laws house well after the office had shut for the day.

Now, getting a message from someone with that title is gonna scare the crap out of you, I don't care who you are. And the corker... the bitch who left the message doesn't work on Fridays and no one else there will talk to you.

Long story short I spend the next day trying to get a hold of someone who can tell me what's going on which isn't easy given the time difference. Even longer story short, my blood work came up with a weird result meaning that according to the blood my baby as a 1 in 50 chance of having Down's. Or roughly a 2% chance (if only they'd word it THAT WAY!)

According to the ob/gyn the only way to know is an amnio, both these other tests don't mean anything. You can test fine on both and still have a baby with Down's or test badly and everything be fine. So my question is, WHY THE FRAK DO IT THEN?! How about instead ask the person Hey if you have a kid with Down's would you choose to terminate? and then do the fraking testing.

I'm not willing to abort a baby for Down's. While I'm praying my baby is genetically fine, I know that Down's doesn't mean a kid can't lead a full life. Yes, they have bigger medical issues like respiratory issues, and heart problems... but they can go on to hold jobs and be semi idependent people depending on their individual ability. I've know Down's kids (more so when I was in school) and they were some of the sweets kids you'd ever know. And plently of genetically "normal" babies have gone on to have horrible medical issues like cancer so being non-Down's doesn't mean a healthy kid either.

But, at the same time the bell has been rung and I need to know. That means an amnio. I've been told that since I'm thin that my risk with an amnio is very low 1 in 270 or .37% risk of miscarriage.

There has been some issues arranging the amnio as the medical office staff at the ob/gyn and at the genetic place seem to have their heads wedges far far up their asses, not unlike what you find at the pharmacy... Ever want to feel like less than a number on a page, deal with a specialists office for real.

I was originally supposed to have the amnio today, but because of their lack of snap I have to now wait until next week. Again, they don't care they aren't dealing with this. One day they will be a patient be it for a baby or a cancer test or whatever and THEN they will know what they've dished out to others. LIke that movie The Doctor. I know it's not personal against me, they just aren't very good at being orgainzed and instead of saying sorry we messed up, but let's get this organized now I was made to feel like this was my fault that I should have know.

I'm gonna end up like Elaine on Seinfeld and black balled from all medical offices... I wasn't rude or cussing but I told them what I thought. I told them, "look I'm not angry at you, and I'm not blaming you. I know I'm just a number on a page and that you don't care, I get that. But I've been going crazy for 2 and a half weeks and now you're telling me I have to wait another week. This is MY LIFE you're messing with here. MY.LIFE. Please can we all be on the same page from here on out because I can't take this anymore."

I expect lousy service when I walk in a McDonald's or any other store. Stupidly I expect more with dealing with "medical professionals." I guess it's harder to find decent medical help outside of your GP than I thought. Specialists can SUCK IT.

Like you don't wallow and beat yourself up enough with stupid questions like, Am I being punished? Did I do something wrong? Could I have prevented this? when the answer is no of course not. Get real, this is the reality of how people reproduce, splitting cells are messy messy things.

So yeah, I'm a bit wound up but I don't think without cause. And it doesn't help that even little things like oh getting dressed are getting to be more of a pain as from day to day my regular clothes stop fitting but maternity is still to big. I did go up a pant size, but that's now down to just two pair of pants that work and a bunch of capri pants that I'm not supposed to wear to work.

I thought buying pants was annoying before this thanks to my non-industry liked body shape. Seriously the only pants that have EVER fit well at the blakley "curvy" fit pants from Eddie Bauer...oh if only they did maternity. Plus maternity tops are WAY to big but my new found boobs don't fit in regular tops anymore. Fun.

Speaking of newly developed boobage... I don't like guys staring at them. I never really had that before because as an A cup seriously if they were looking it was to see if I had anything. But I had to laugh when JP asked, "Can we keep 'em?!" Oy vey! But yeah, I'm not liking how any tops fit when you have boobs. Don't like 'em not one little bit and hope I go back to normal quickly afterwards.


So get ready blog, it's gonna be a bumpy ride as I'm sure the ob has plenty of other ways to scare the crap out of me... if I don't kick her scrappy ass first.